02 - When Good Bras Go Bad Read online

  “Not in so many words, but it didn’t take a genius—or a detective, Myrtle—to figure it out.”

  “What exactly did he say?”

  “He said you wanted him to invent some kinda bed with—” She cleared her throat. “With a special place for a…a woman’s—” She dropped her voice to a whisper. “A woman’s you-know-what’s!”

  “Boobs, Delphine! A woman’s boobs!”

  She gasped. “Now you’re talkin’ dirty to me!”

  “Oh, I am not. Excuse me for sharin’ my ideas for an invention with Lenny in hopes he could put ‘em to use and maybe even become rich and famous.”

  That made her back off a little bit. “Well,” she said, “that’s all well and good, but, honey, you forget Lenny’s still just a boy.”

  “Why, he ain’t either. Look at what Thomas Edison was doin’ at Lenny’s age. And how about Abe Lincoln and them Wright brothers from over yonder in North Carolina? What about them?”

  Actually, I didn’t know a bit more’n nothing what—if anything—any of that bunch did when they were teenagers. But, one, I figured Delphine didn’t know either. Two, they were bound to have done somethin’. And, three, I didn’t give Delphine a chance to argue with me about it anyway.

  “How do you sleep?” I asked. “Do you sleep on your back, your side or your belly?”

  “I don’t have any druthers. I just lay down and thrash around ‘til I get comfortable.”

  “Do you ever sleep on your belly?”

  “Yeah, I reckon I do sometimes.”

  “Okay,” I said, and then I went on to extol the virtues of a boob trench. “Now do you see what I mean? Do you see how it would appeal to women all over the world?”

  “I guess you do have a point.” She was quiet for a second. “But would you please ask me first before you discuss anything else of …of such a serious or delicate nature with Lenny?”

  “I don’t expect I’ll be discussing anything else of a serious or delicate nature with Lenny again,” I said. “But if I decide to, then yeah, I’ll run it by you first.”

  We hadn’t been off the phone for five minutes, when the darn thing rang again.

  I picked up the receiver. “What now?”

  “Did I call at a bad time?” It was Coop.

  “No. I thought it was Delphine callin’ again. She’s upset because I talked to Lenny about boobs.”

  “You always manage to surprise me somehow,” he said. “I hear the M.E.L.O.N.S. are throwing a party Saturday night.”

  “You heard right. Wanna escort a vulgar old woman?”

  “Maybe. Will she talk to me about boobs?”

  “Probably. She likes to discuss things of a delicate nature.”

  He laughed. “Then I’m there.”

  DIVIDER HERE

  After me and Matlock had our supper, I put him outside and drove over to the mall. I figured since me and Coop was going to this Halloween party, I’d better start lookin’ for a costume. I wanted me somethin’ snazzy. There’s a shop that opens up in the mall just for the Halloween season—they put other stuff in there at other times of the year. Anyway, me and Faye used to find the cutest costumes there for Sunny. So I decided to look there first.

  I hadn’t dressed up for Halloween in years. It’s kinda funny. Here Sunny is thinkin’ she’s too grown up and sophisticated for Halloween now, and I’m actin’ like a girl again.

  Right off the bat (no pun intended!), I spotted a flapper costume. It was one of them purple fringy dresses, and it had a headband with a feather stuck in it. It was my size, it was in my budget (you know I’m havin’ to be more careful with it this month since the brownie incident), and it’d knock Coop’s socks off. I headed to the register.

  “Hey, Ms. Crumb!”

  I turned around. “Hi, Lenny.” He was standing in the aisle looking at rubber masks. “It’s good to see that at least some young folks don’t think they’re too grown up for Halloween.”

  He glanced down at the mask he held. It was a werewolf. “Me and some buddies decided to dress up as old movie monsters and go to this party.” He held up the werewolf mask and plucked a Frankenstein’s monster off the rack. “So what do you think? Wolfie or Frankie?”

  “I believe I’m partial to the wolf man. Michael Landon played a teenage werewolf in one of his first movie roles.”

  “Who’s Michael Landon?”

  Young ‘uns sure do know how to make you feel old. “Never mind. I’d better get this paid for and get home. It’s almost time for Matlock to go to bed.”

  “What’re you dressin’ up as?”

  I grinned and held up my costume. “I’m goin’ as a flapper.”

  He bobbed his head up and down. I didn’t have the slightest misconception that he knew what a flapper was, but I don’t think he cared enough to ask about it.

  “Cool,” he said. “And, hey, I’m sorry Granny called and fussed at you. I had no idea she’d go off like that.”

  “Oh, that’s all right.”

  “I just might use that idea of yours!”

  “Well, if you do, I wish you all the success in the world.” I looked at my watch. “I really had better get out of here. Do you have a ride home?”

  “Yeah. Granny’s up there in one of them beauty shops gettin’ her hair done.”

  “Okay. You have a good night, sweetie.”

  “You, too.”

  I paid for my costume and left before Delphine barged in reeking of perm solution and accused me of talkin’ dirty to Lenny again. Wonder what she’s wearin’ to the party? A nun’s habit?

  When I got home, I let Matlock in, and we went upstairs. I started my bathwater, and he went ahead and jumped up on the bed. I thought about puttin’ the television on that animal station for him while I was takin’ my bath, but I decided against it. Sometimes they show animals that’ve got hurt or been abused. That stuff tears my nerves all to pieces, and it can’t be good for Matlock to see. With him coming from a shelter and everything, there’s no tellin’ what tragedies litter his past. So we didn’t turn the television on until after I’d had my bath.

  I slid under the covers all nice and cozy and smelling good, and Matlock came and put his head on my lap.

  “You’re beginnin’ to need a bath yourself, young man.”

  He rolled his eyes around the room like he was lookin’ to see who I was talkin’ to.

  I scratched behind his ears and reached for the remote. Wouldn’t you know it? The batteries were dead, and I didn’t have any upstairs. I looked at Matlock and sighed. He sighed, too. We were both disgusted. Here we were snug in the bed, and now we had to decide whether to get back up and go downstairs for batteries or else forget about it.

  I was fixing to ask Matlock what he thought we should do when I heard a car door slam. Then I heard yelling and another car door slammed. Amidst the next round of yelling, I slipped out of bed and crept over to the window. I peeped out the side of the curtain and saw it was Lenny and Delphine doin’ the yelling—mainly Lenny.

  “I sure hope that fight ain’t my fault,” I told Matlock. “I reckon I’ll have to go over to Delphine’s tomorrow and see.”

  Chapter Seven

  I was still upset about Lenny and Delphine when I woke up that morning. I was so upset I called Jane Krenshaw and told her I couldn’t work in the lunchroom. I told her not to worry, though, that I’d be back tomorrow. ‘Course, she didn’t see too awful concerned, and I knew I had to talk to Delphine while Lenny was at school.

  I waited ‘til after the school bus had come and gone, and then I went over there. I started to pretend I was there about the Halloween party, but I decided to play it straight instead.

  When Delphine came to the door, I said, “I heard you and Lenny arguin’ last night. I wanted to make sure it wasn’t my fault.”

  She stood there squinting at me a second, and then she told me to come on in. She was dressed in jeans, a blue and white striped sweater and pink house shoes. She still smelled like perma
nent wave, and her hair was curled tighter than Dick’s hatband. I thought about tellin’ her it looked nice, but I really didn’t think it did so I kept my mouth shut.

  “Would you like some coffee?” she asked.

  “No, thanks. I finished a cup right before I came over.”

  She nodded and went into the kitchen. I took it she wanted me to go, too, so I did.

  She sat down at the table and closed her eyes. “I thought raisin’ a teenager was tough the first go-round.”

  I pulled out a chair and sat down. “Lenny seems like an awfully good boy.”

  “He is,” she said, opening her eyes. “Maybe even better than his daddy was at that age. I don’t know. Maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s because I’m so much older now.”

  “I think teenagers are hard no matter how old you are. Maybe it’s worse when it’s a grandchild ‘cause you don’t ever expect them to treat you bad.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, when Faye was growin’ up, she’d sass me and say she hated me, and I’d ground her and be done with it.” I shrugged. “It was what parents and young ‘uns did. But it’s different with Sunny.”

  “Yeah, but you and that girl are as close as a rabbit’s front teeth. You don’t have to worry ‘bout her.”

  “I didn’t ‘til here lately.” I told her about the whole Alicia Granger mess.

  “That’s the same kinda thing me and Lenny got into it over last night. I went to the mall yesterday evenin’ to get a perm.”

  “Really? Looks nice.” God forgive me for that lie.

  “Thank you.” She patted her curls. “Anyhow, I went upstairs to get Lenny. He was where he said he’d be, but he was standin’ with a group of boys that looked like thugs…nothin’ but thugs.”

  “I believe I will have that coffee now, if you don’t care.”

  “I don’t care a bit.” She got up and got me some coffee and topped off her own cup.

  “Where was I?” she asked when she sat back down.

  “The thugs.”

  “Oh, yeah. I recognized one of them because he looks exactly like his daddy. And his daddy ain’t nothin’ but trouble…or, at least, that’s how he used to be. Used to lay around the pool hall drunk all the time.”

  I did one of them open-mouth hisses so she’d know how much I disapproved. “What did Lenny say?”

  “Said they’re his friends, and I ought not judge ‘em.”

  I stirred sugar and creamer into my coffee. “I reckon he’s got a point, but you don’t know these boys. He ain’t never invited any of ‘em over here, has he?”

  “No.”

  “Not that you’d want him to. It ain’t safe to have a house full of thugs.”

  “That’s what I said.”

  “He’s give you a tough row to hoe,” I said. “Maybe Lenny’d consider you all takin’ one of the boys to get a pizza or a cheeseburger or somethin’. That way, if the boy turns out to be a thug, you all ain’t alone in the house with him.”

  “Why, that’s a good idea, Myrtle! I’ll talk to Lenny about it when he comes home.” She smiled and patted my hand.

  I remembered somebody on one of them mornin’ shows talking about setting up play dates for your kids. Reckon that counts if the young ‘un is sixteen and the play date’s with a thug? I didn’t know, but Delphine appeared to be in better spirits so I didn’t ask her.

  DIVIDER HERE

  Along about suppertime, Sunny called.

  “Mimi,” she said, “I saw you weren’t in the cafeteria today. Are you sick?”

  “No, I just had some other things to attend to.”

  “Oh. I guess they must’ve been important.”

  “I thought so.”

  She was quiet for a second. I knew she wanted me to tell her why I stayed home. Last month I probably would have. But with the distance that’s been between us lately, I didn’t feel confident tellin’ Sunny about Delphine’s and Lenny’s business…especially when that business was about Lenny maybe takin’ up with the wrong crowd. Sunny might’ve even thought I was makin’ it up just so I could caution her about Alicia Granger some more.

  “Well,” Sunny said, “I just wanted to call and make sure everything’s okay.”

  “I appreciate it, sweetie. I ought to be back at the school tomorrow, so I reckon I’ll see you then.”

  “Okay.”

  “By the way,” I said, “there weren’t any thefts today, were there?”

  “Not that I know of.”

  “Good. I would’ve hated to miss somethin’. Hug your mama for me.”

  “Hug Matlock for me.”

  “Will do.”

  We rang off, and I hugged Matlock. “That was from Sunny.”

  He sighed and gave me a sad-eyed look.

  “I know, honey. I miss her, too.”

  DIVIDER HERE

  The next mornin’ I sought out Wilbur Brody first thing. He was standin’ in the hallway watchin’ the students file in.

  “How long will it be before we can go in your office and talk?” I asked.

  “Soon as the bell rings and I make sure there’s not any stragglers.”

  “I’ll wait for you in there.”

  I’ve done told you how pleasant and elegantly decorated Brody’s office is, so you know what a joy it was to wait for him in there. Still, it beat bein’ run over by a swarm of teenagers carryin’ Algebra books and smellin’ like acne cream and cheap cologne. I looked around the room and wondered if a couple doilies or a nice throw pillow might help, but I decided that’d only make it look like a Mayberry jail cell.

  “What can I do for you this mornin’, Ms. Crumb?” Brody asked when he finally ambled into the office.

  “You can tell me how this investigation’s goin’.”

  “There’s not been anything to investigate for the past few days. No thefts have been reported, so that’s a plus. And—”

  “A plus! My granddaughter was suspended for a crime she did not commit, and you think this investigation comin’ to a standstill is a plus?”

  “Well, as far as—”

  “You might be willin’ to let that thief go loose and continue to terrorize this school, but I ain’t. I’m gonna catch me a thief.”

  “And how do you propose to do that?”

  “The same way I’d catch anything else—by settin’ a trap.”

  And then I got up and left. Brody followed me plumb into the hall askin’ me what I was aimin’ to do and tellin’ me not to go off half-cocked, but I didn’t pay him no never mind. I had a plan to hatch.

  DIVIDER HERE

  I still hadn’t come up with anything by the time I walked into the auditorium that afternoon. Sunny’d asked me at lunchtime if I’d stay and watch play practice with her and then take her home. I said I would. She’d probably done told Faye that’s what we were doin’, and I sure didn’t want Sunny hitchin’ a ride with anybody else. Heaven forbid that greasy-lookin’ boyfriend of Alicia Granger’s drivin’ my Sunny home.

  I sat down near the back of the auditorium. Within a few minutes Sunny breezed in, spotted me and hurried over to where I was sittin’.

  “Hi, Mimi. Thanks for stayin’. I’m gonna go sit closer to the middle front so I’ll have a better view of the stage, okay?”

  “That’s fine.”

  She smiled. “See you in a bit.”

  At least now I knew why she’d been so all-fired anxious about me not bein’ at school yesterday. She’d probably planned this out night before last and then had to ride the bus home yesterday afternoon because I wasn’t here. She knew if she stayed yesterday and Faye found out she wasn’t with me, Faye’d ground her ‘til she was thirty.

  The drama teacher clapped her hands. “Okay, people, today we’re concentrating on the banquet scene in Act I, Scene VII. Prop handlers, you need to move quickly.”

  A group of kids rushed around the stage setting up a table. Some placed fake food around while others dealt plates like playin’ cards. All of a sudden
, everything stopped. The bustle of dishes was replaced by whispers and worried glances at the drama teacher.

  “What’s the problem?” the teacher asked, heading for the stage.

  “One of the goblets is missing,” said a tall, cute girl wearing her brown hair in a ponytail.

  “It was here this morning,” the teacher said. “I double-checked to make sure we had everything.” She sized up the table, and I could tell she was recounting the glasses. Then she looked out over the auditorium as if she was expecting one of us—parents, grandparents, boyfriends, girlfriends, and staff members—to have her old cup. Maybe she thought one of us was gonna raise it up in a toast to the play or to her fine directorial abilities.

  You know what, though? That woman must have eyes keener than a blue jay with a magnifyin’ glass because she spotted that goblet. And you know where it was? Stickin’ just inside Alicia Granger’s open backpack.

  “What have we here?” the teacher asked, looking down her skinny nose at Alicia. “Would you care to explain how that goblet got into your backpack, Alicia?”

  Alicia leapt off the stage and stormed over to her backpack. “Did anybody see who put this in here?” She held the goblet up like she was the Statue of Liberty and it was her torch.

  She spun back toward the stage, goblet still aloft. I had to hand it to her—the girl had a real flair for drama.

  “I didn’t do this, Ms. Tyler. Somebody else had to have done it while my back was turned.”

  Alicia faced her audience until her eyes landed on a viable scapegoat. Sunny.

  “It must’ve been Crimson,” Alicia said, pointing at my innocent little granddaughter. “She was suspended last week for stealing Mrs. Anderson’s bracelet.”

  I was so stunned I couldn’t do a thing but sit there with my mouth hanging open.

  “Then why is the goblet in your backpack?” Ms. Tyler asked.

  “Obviously,” Alicia said, “it was a prank. Right, Crim?”

  Sunny’d been sitting there as slack jawed as I was, but that snapped her out of it and she jumped up out of her seat. “I didn’t do it!”

  “Oh, come on, Crim. We all know you did.” Alicia took the goblet and handed it to Ms. Tyler. “Give me a sec, would you? Let me talk to her.”